looks like someone's been drinking the kool aid.

5:37PM - these days are numbered.

time is spinning out of control again and i can't grab hold of it. and it has left me so disoriented i don't know where i am anymore. and i don't know who you are. i spend the days looking for a way to connect the person i knew myself to be and the person i seem to be now and i can't seem to do it. how did i end up here?

11:37PM

Behind the story I tell is the one I don't.

Behind the story you hear is the one I wish I could make you hear.

Behind my carefully buttoned collar is my nakedness, the struggle to find clean
clothes, food, meaning, and money. Behind sex is rage, behind anger is love, behind this moment is silence, years of silence.

-Dorothy Allison

10:58PM

okay i have a question for you now,

do you think it's possible to out run your past?

2:20AM - every superhero sees himself himself in his nemesis

you could hold me for hours
it wouldn't make a difference
i know you want to love me
but you don't know how
to cover the scars
unbleed
what i've bled
out of control
i'm uncontollable
breathe you into my lungs
because i don't know how
to love you, or let go
the still point of a turning world
i dont know how to love you
i don't know how to hold on
you can hug me all you want
it won't make a difference
this is the end
and it goes on and on
i am turning
turning into him
just hold me for hours
i believe

another coughing shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning

1:43AM - bob was beautiful. bob was perfect.

where is the beauteous majesty of denmark?
how shall i your true love know
from another one?
by his cockle hat and staff
and his sandal shoon
say you? nay pray you mark.
he is dead and gone lady,
he is dead and gone
at his head a grass green turf
at his heels a stone.
pray you mark.
white his head as the mountain snow
larded with sweet flowers
which bewept to the grave did not go
with true love showers
well, good dild you.
they say the owl was a baker's daughter
lord, we know what we are
but know not what we may be
god be at your table.
pray, let's have no words of this
but when they ask you what it means,
say you this:
Tommorow is saint valentines day
all in the mornign betime
and i a maid at your window
to be your valentine
then up he rose and donned his clothes
and upped the chamber door
let in the maid
that out a maid
never departed more.
indeed without an oath, we'll make an end on't
by gis and by st charity
alack and fie for shame
young men will do't
if they come to't
by cock they are to blame
quoth she, before you tumbled me
you promised me to wed
he answers, so would i'a done
and thou hast not come to my bed
I hope all will be well.
we must be patient.
but i cannot choose but weep
to think they would lay him in the cold ground
my brother shall know of't
and so i thank you for your good counsel
come my coach
good night sweet ladies,
good night
good night
good night.

Current mood: indescribable

9:04PM - I'll remember your song but I'll forget your name.

Just where it now lies I can no longer say
I found it on a cold and November day
In the roots of a sycamore tree where it had hid so long
In a box made out of myrtle lay the bone of song
The bone of song was a jawbone old and bruised
And worn out in the service of the muse
And along its sides and teeth were written words
I ran my palm along them and I heard
Lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness
I am the only unquiet ghost that does not seek rest
The words on the bone of song were close and small
And though their tongues were dead I found I knew them all
In the hieroglyphs of quills and quatrain lines
Osiris, the fall of Troy, Auld Lang Syne
Kathleen Mauvoreen, Magnificat, Your Cheatin’ Heart
The chords of a covenant king singing for the Ark
Then I saw on a white space that was left
A blessing written older than the rest
It said leave me here I care not for wealth or fame
I’ll remember your song – but I’ll forget your name
The words that I sang blew off like the leaves in the wind
And perched like birds in the branches before landing on the bone again
Then the bone was quiet it said no more to me
so I wrapped it in the ribbons of a sycamore tree
And as night had come I turned around and headed home
With a lightness in my step and a song in my bones
Lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness
I am the only unquiet ghost that does not seek rest

-Josh Ritter

12:25PM

does anybody remember Laughter?

1:26PM - if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks...

sorrow drips into your heart
through a pin hole
like a faucet that leaks
and there is comfort in the sound

it was a wonderous night of trips to the bathroom and smiles and i love yous and dancing and satin gloves and high heels and sore feet and good music and happiness and good times.

but now i feel like death. the end.

9:39PM

For sale: baby shoes, never used.
-Hemingway's six word novel

9:29PM - its time to switch to whisky we've been drinking beer all night

blue eyes that stare
as i lay drunk on your kitchen floor
in pity
moaning in pain
you drink shot after shot
whisky makes waiting easier
i want to touch
be touched
fingers tips, arms, lips
cold tile
i'm waiting for something
bed sheets
warmth
waiting
for something other than numb
so i pour another shot
to fill
empty space.

6:20PM - if we keep swimming maybe this will never die.

there are stories in the soil, loose leaves cover the ground there's volumes in the forest, no one reads out loud if i could take them down off of that mountain shelf we used to climb but no one tries to go up that far now yeah we're all too busy working, entertaining ourselves forty hours television and prescription pills well i take two a day to make my brain behave it never does but who's to say at least my doctor gets paid so that's fine, yeah come by we'll take the afternoon off we can kiss and undress or if you want just talk cause i've got nothing real, just empty space to fill and you're my girl i like your style just imagine all the time we could kill and time's not poison but once you drink it all you'll die so let's just sip it real slow yeah we can nurse it all night try to believe that once it's gone we'll pour another round and come back to life come right back i guess i'm moving faster now or that's what they said and though some days still take forever i can't disagree because it seems to me that i wake up and sleep look in the mirror have no idea what happened in between but i remember counting days down 'til the year could be done so i could scatter all my notebooks on the prep school lawn and disappear again into a summer's bliss of staying out and sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends. that's gone and i know that it won't ever come back i accept i won't cling to what i had in the past. but life's a slippery slope, regret's the steepest hill hope for the best, plan for the worst and maybe wind up somewhere in the middle. and i'm not saying that i know what i want but i know what i don't, don't want to rot in my room and never know what could have been believe what everyone else tells me is true yeah, they say 'true' that's what they say

10:44AM

a feeling like being kicked in the stomach repeatedly until you pass out.

10:23AM - my mind races with all my longings but can't keep up with what i've got.

you're tongue is a rutter that stears the whole ship out of nowhere.

i don't understand. and it makes me angry and it makes me frustrated and it makes me hurt. but i do understand. i guess i just thought this was above all that. i thought this meant more.

in the morning all you got is rain.

8:59PM - i'd rather be the one to love than to be loved and never even know

i feel like i;m fourteen years old again and its such a frustrating place to be. I'm sad and scared and anxious and depressed and angry and i feel like i'm ramming my head continually against a brick wall and im so frustrated but its all i can do to hurt myself because there's no other way to let it out.

7:33PM - i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me oh-oh-oh

i got into the paprika festival. im actually quite surprised. and very excited. but looking at all the crazyness written in my agenda is completely freaking me out. so is the fact that my mainstage audition is tommorow ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

8:32PM - like a rolling stone..

drunk devon makes bad decisions. the end.

11:35PM

11:30PM - take me to the place i love take me all the way...

i just got home from the red hot chili peppers. it was amazing. we kinda missed the mars volta but the last song was good. anthony was AMAZING. flea was AMAZING. chad was AMAZING. john was AMAZING. i actually don't even know what to say. watching anthony dance across the stage was like an orgasm of spectacularity. i can't even put it into words. i still can't believe i was standing in the same room as the red hot chili peppers. the were perfect. perfect. perfect. smile smile smile.

we do a little dance and then we drink a little water :)

5:41PM - where ever you go whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you.

Kimberly Michelle Harvey would have been twenty four years old today. it's hard for me to think about that. its hard to think that she never saw 23 or 24. she will never turn 30 or 40 or 85. she will never graduate from college, never get married, never have children, never grow old. but i can. the saddest part is i'd make a horrible mother and she would have been amazing. she always took care of me. i have to go to ballet now. i want to go dance for her.

do you remember when we used to sing sha-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-latida?
your my brown eyed girl.

10:00PM - it used to be the reason i breathe but now it's soaking me up.

work was tedious. i am tired. i feel like shit. i want to smoke a thousand cigarettes and shrink and shrink into nothingness. i am angry. and i am hurt and i wish i wasn't and i am angry that i spend so much energy being hurt by you. and i am hurt that i am so angry. and i wish i could destry everything around me to get out all the turmoil inside me that feels like it's destroying me. i can't take this anymore. i need someone to carry me away from here.